I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize