Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
