You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
