We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
