My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
