I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
