So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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