??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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