it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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