also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
