i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
