Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
