Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Panties = found
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