why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
