stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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