Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
