mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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