It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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