Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize