im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
