i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
