ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I didn't shave. On purpose
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
My ATM looks so different sober.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
