just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
