I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
