Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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