Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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