Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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