apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
True strength comes from lack of pants
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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