He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
