I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
