I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
