her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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