At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
