So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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