Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
