I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
