i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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