I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
