I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
false alarm. still invincible.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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