i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
