I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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