You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
