So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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