ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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