i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
