Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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