I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
