made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
