so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
