I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
