is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
