new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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