Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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