If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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