You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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