everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
