youre lurking in front of me
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
