She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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