Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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